What I posted this morning was easy and boring, so I'm going to delete in and replace it with this, which is just going to be a straight up update and h2h if you will (i think they call it something different in Australia - a dnm? deep and meaningful? cringe.)
The update is that tomorrow's my last day in Australia before I leave for China for a semester and I'm fucking terrified. There's no barrier anymore, no cushion of air/time in which I previously thought that I would have my shit together emotionally and logistically. I've got tomorrow, the happy freeness which is going to be ruined by the overhanging dread of The Next Day, I'm going to go for a run, I'm helping my mum bringing cake (?) to the film school for her students, which will be the last time I drive my beautiful, friendly car, and my parents will probably make a big deal about it being my last dinner at home for 4 months which will make the food hard to swallow, and I'll wake up the next day and go to the airport.
And then what? I land, and what? I go to where I'm staying, with my big suitcase, I guess. It'll be late at night - I only just thought about that. And then what? I have a free day, an d then registration day, and then another free day before classes start, and I can only move into my dorm the day after that. The gape of it all. I still don't really know what classes I'm doing, because of the opacity of the website and the dense, dense characters that scare me away, even though I understand them all.
I've been doing all these silly little things that I think might protect myself once I get there: I've painted my nails a deep purple glamorous colour.
I'm packing the summer dress I'm wearing right now, thinking: in no time at all it'll be appropriate weather for me to wear this, meaning: in no time at all it'll be over. I'm bringing books I know I'll love, because they're authors I love, to comfort me. Speaking of which:
Speaking of which. I'm scared about that too. I'm scared he'll forget me. I know that thinking about him will help me and comfort me when I'm scared, just like it did while staying with my cousin in Perth, and at the start of Italy. But what if, at some point, it'll be such that I can't think about him for comfort, only hurt? Maybe he'll visit me.
This feels like the days that led up to me starting boarding school in Australia, and the days that led up to moving into ANU. All this waiting, anticipating, and suddenly I'll be hurled. This is what comforted me both times, and that I will try to use now: whatever happens, I have a bed to lie in at night, and I'll be safe under the covers and inside my own head.
And I'll have this blog, and I'll have everyone on insta, and my own little projects to work on, and I'll have exploring Shanghai, no matter what my workload and lifestyle looks like.
It's only 4 months. I'm so scared.
The update is that tomorrow's my last day in Australia before I leave for China for a semester and I'm fucking terrified. There's no barrier anymore, no cushion of air/time in which I previously thought that I would have my shit together emotionally and logistically. I've got tomorrow, the happy freeness which is going to be ruined by the overhanging dread of The Next Day, I'm going to go for a run, I'm helping my mum bringing cake (?) to the film school for her students, which will be the last time I drive my beautiful, friendly car, and my parents will probably make a big deal about it being my last dinner at home for 4 months which will make the food hard to swallow, and I'll wake up the next day and go to the airport.
And then what? I land, and what? I go to where I'm staying, with my big suitcase, I guess. It'll be late at night - I only just thought about that. And then what? I have a free day, an d then registration day, and then another free day before classes start, and I can only move into my dorm the day after that. The gape of it all. I still don't really know what classes I'm doing, because of the opacity of the website and the dense, dense characters that scare me away, even though I understand them all.
I've been doing all these silly little things that I think might protect myself once I get there: I've painted my nails a deep purple glamorous colour.
I'm packing the summer dress I'm wearing right now, thinking: in no time at all it'll be appropriate weather for me to wear this, meaning: in no time at all it'll be over. I'm bringing books I know I'll love, because they're authors I love, to comfort me. Speaking of which:
Speaking of which. I'm scared about that too. I'm scared he'll forget me. I know that thinking about him will help me and comfort me when I'm scared, just like it did while staying with my cousin in Perth, and at the start of Italy. But what if, at some point, it'll be such that I can't think about him for comfort, only hurt? Maybe he'll visit me.
This feels like the days that led up to me starting boarding school in Australia, and the days that led up to moving into ANU. All this waiting, anticipating, and suddenly I'll be hurled. This is what comforted me both times, and that I will try to use now: whatever happens, I have a bed to lie in at night, and I'll be safe under the covers and inside my own head.
And I'll have this blog, and I'll have everyone on insta, and my own little projects to work on, and I'll have exploring Shanghai, no matter what my workload and lifestyle looks like.
It's only 4 months. I'm so scared.
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