I should preface that this analysis is going to be some heavy author-centred approach stuff. I know some people really disdain this; liken it to gossip; but I don’t. Personally, if my context is woven into my writing, I want the techniques around that explored. But, if it still makes you uncomfortable, think about it like this. Me using Billie’s personal context in my analysis of this song is a result of my personal experience with writing, as well as what I know about her life. So, technically, my analysis is a reader-centred approach. Bam.
Another controversy. This post is going to revolve around how I think the song is about XXXTENTACION, who was a really good friend of Billie’s, and who died on her, basically. As you may already know I severely dislike X, for reasons stated here. And so when I woke up in Perth that morning and saw that he had died, I was honestly like “good”. But Billie, as evident even from the tiny snippets of her life via her instagram story, was devastated, of course, because one of her best friends had been murdered. I’m not going to criticise Billie for being friends with an abuser, because she’s literally seventeen years old, and knew a side of him I obviously do not. I’m going to approach this song about him as a random dude who didn’t have a horrifying behavioural history - because that’s what he was to Billie, and this is her song. Doesn’t mean I’m happy about it.
The thing that alerted me to the fact that ‘i love you’ is about X was a random instagram account on my explore page. I screenshotted it of course because credit, you know. Basically, they drew the comparison between the start of ‘i love you’ and X’s song ‘ALONE PART 3’. And I agreed.
I’ll put both songs here side by side, for you to decide for yourself.
I (very badly) transcribed the notes (?) of each song, tried to ascertain the technicalities of the similarities, gave up because I haven’t done music theory in over 5 years, and asked Lachie for help. There was no clean conclusion, but I’ll put everything he said here:
Main points of note: both C major, both very weird sequences for C major, strange and “uncomfortable”, and being almost inverses of each other.
All these made perfect sense to me. Billie and X, apparently, bonded over feeling like outsiders, specifically being alien and “not human”:
So it would make sense that, after X died and Billie was left alone without anyone like her anymore, she would focus on this feeling of alienation, sadness, discomfort. As for the being almost inverses of each other - I suppose she felt they’d completed each other.
Something else that supports this is the cover art for ‘i love you’. In her new album, every single song has a different artwork as its cover. For ‘i love you’, she chose this one, where she has devil horns sticking out of her head.
This strikes me as very similar to X’s infamous devil horn dreads:
This, again, connects X to the song and emphasises their inhumanity.
OK, so at this point i’m completely convinced ‘i love you’ is about X, and so, the first time I listened to the song properly, I was already analysing it with that lens. And it was so sad, it made me bawl at midnight on some random street here in Shanghai.
Here are the lyrics:
[Verse 1]
It's not true
Tell me I’ve been lied to
Crying isn't like you, ooh
What the hell did I do?
Never been the type to
Let someone see right through, ooh
[Chorus]
Maybe won't you take it back?
Say you were tryna make me laugh
And nothing has to change today
You didn’t mean to say "I love you"
I love you and I don't want to, ooh
[Verse 2]
Up all night on another red-eye
I wish we never learned to fly
Maybe we should just try
To tell ourselves a good lie
Didn't mean to make you cry
[Chorus]
Maybe won't you take it back?
Say you were tryna make me laugh
And nothing has to change today
You didn't mean to say "I love you"
I love you and I don't want to, ooh
[Bridge]
The smile that you gave me
Even when you felt like dying
[Outro]
We fall apart as it gets dark
I'm in your arms in Central Park
There's nothing you could do or say
I can’t escape the way I love you
I don’t want to, but I love you, ooh
Ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh
Verse 1
“It’s not true / Tell me I’ve been lied to” - I take this as Billie being told that X had been killed, by someone who doesn’t usually cry but is crying right now - so she’s forced to believe the news.
“What the hell did I do? / Never been the type to / let someone see right through” - she regrets showing X all of herself and being vulnerable with him, because now he’s gone and she’s heartbroken.
Chorus
“Maybe won't you take it back? / Say you were tryna make me laugh / And nothing has to change today” - she’s obviously delirious and hysterical at this point, in the denial stage of grief, asking her dead friend to take it back and have been making it up this whole time.
“You didn’t mean to say "I love you”” - this part is what makes me think that maybe I’ve been wrong all along, that the song’s actually about someone admitting their love for her and plunging their relationship into the unknown. But if we follow my theory, Billie could also be wishing that he’s never told her he loves her, because then she wouldn’t be so heartbroken at his death. Hence the next line, “I love you and I don’t want to”.
Verse 2
This is the verse that made me bawl, and it’s mostly the added sound of an airplane, where they’re going through the safety procedures before taking off. I find airplane rides extremely isolating; the air is thin and lonely - and those sounds brought the feeling right back, and I imagine that’s what she was feeling too; hours on a plane with nothing but her friend’s death in front of her. She’s “up all night / on another red eye” - I assume flying to go to his funeral in Florida. She doesn’t want to be in this situation, so she says “I wish we never learned to fly”. This could be a far reach, but I think there’s a harboured resentment here for the idea of transport and its expensive machinery, like planes, or, perhaps, motorbikes, a dealership of which he was browsing in before being shot in his car afterwards.
“Maybe we should just try / To tell ourselves a good lie / Didn't mean to make you cry” - no idea.
Bridge
“The smile that you gave me / Even when you felt like dying” - Billie would talk about how kind and caring he was towards her, and X was a depressed emo trap rapper.
Outro
“We fall apart as it gets dark / I’m in your arms in Central Park” - I mean, this is obviously a personal experience that I can’t know about. The only connection I can think of is that, in “bury a friend” (obviously referencing X, a friend she buried) she sings “I’ll meet you in the park”.
“There's nothing you could do or say / I can’t escape the way I love you / I don’t want to, but I love you, ooh.” - I don’t think I have to drive the point harder at this point. Fuck it’s sad.
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