I love Felix so much. Sometimes, the thought of how much it would fuck him up is the thing that stops me from killing myself. And I know he loves me too - at night he comes and sits in my room and we quietly do our own thing; he incessantly explains minecraft to my disinterested self; he always wants to sit next to me at the dinner table.
Felix is still a baby, a sprite, a pixie at 13. He has an overgrown boyish haircut where his black fringe half-covers his eyes. (When he occasionally lets me tie it up he looks like a little baby girl.) His voice is still high, and though he refuses to hold my hand anymore, when we go on walks he spends the entire time nattering at me about scenarios he's made up. Even though I usually drown it out with music, I love it. His name suits him so well. Felice.
But he's 13 now, and he's going to grow up soon. And frankly, I don't know if I will be able to handle it. His cute voice will deepen, he will grow big - possibly bigger than me, he'll stop wanting to hang out with his big sister. Our dynamic will change. What will it feel like to hug him? Will he let me hug him? Will I even want to hug him? Oh, that sounds so terrible out loud.
I suppose his creativity and intelligence will still be there. He might still make up a story for each thing he takes out of the dishwasher and take it, still, for a trip around the house before he puts it away. But, at his own insistence, he's going on ADHD medication soon, and that might take all that away.
I suspect that the trip to the specialist, that prescription to be exact, will be the start of all the changes; the dissolution of the Felix I know. I hope it's put off for as long as possible. But it might be time for him to grow up, grow into something else. He can't focus on his homework. And I suppose it would be weird for him to still be a baby at 16, right?
Let me have hm for a little while longer.
Felix is still a baby, a sprite, a pixie at 13. He has an overgrown boyish haircut where his black fringe half-covers his eyes. (When he occasionally lets me tie it up he looks like a little baby girl.) His voice is still high, and though he refuses to hold my hand anymore, when we go on walks he spends the entire time nattering at me about scenarios he's made up. Even though I usually drown it out with music, I love it. His name suits him so well. Felice.
But he's 13 now, and he's going to grow up soon. And frankly, I don't know if I will be able to handle it. His cute voice will deepen, he will grow big - possibly bigger than me, he'll stop wanting to hang out with his big sister. Our dynamic will change. What will it feel like to hug him? Will he let me hug him? Will I even want to hug him? Oh, that sounds so terrible out loud.
I suppose his creativity and intelligence will still be there. He might still make up a story for each thing he takes out of the dishwasher and take it, still, for a trip around the house before he puts it away. But, at his own insistence, he's going on ADHD medication soon, and that might take all that away.
I suspect that the trip to the specialist, that prescription to be exact, will be the start of all the changes; the dissolution of the Felix I know. I hope it's put off for as long as possible. But it might be time for him to grow up, grow into something else. He can't focus on his homework. And I suppose it would be weird for him to still be a baby at 16, right?
Let me have hm for a little while longer.
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